Men accused of wrestling python outside McDonald's

Oh how many things could be wrong with one little headline? 

FOUR. I counted.

1. Wrestling python: I always thought wrestling involved arms and legs.  A python can't pin you down for the count of five.  He has no way to win this match....unless it's until death.  Then my money is on the python.

2. Accused: What more proof do you need than 50 horrified obese onlookers?

3. Men: As in there is more than one idiot doing this.

4. Outside McDonald's: Um hai, there are delicious cheeseburgers and fries in here or a giant python outside. That's when you know you have to check your priorities.   

Here's the actual article, which adds even more humor to the story because they actually stole the python before walking up to McDonald's and tag teaming it. That sounds wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.  Which is why I'll leave it as-is. Because it makes me laugh and this is my blog. So I do what I want. When I want. Cuz I want.

XOXO,

Jaime

Caught (Unfortunately) on Tape

These are not recent occurrences in my life, but they do give a little insight into who I am.  And isn't that the point of a personal blog?  If I could give you one piece of "life advice" it would be: Don't get caught on tape. 

Youtube is like crabs. It's uncomfortable, ain't going anywhere, and anyone who knows about it WILL want to see it and laugh at you.

Whitest sock puppet rap in town.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IByTwemTiCE

First Wine Club Meeting - the night my vision for a club came true

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUF126wr0JA

Jersey Shore Themed Wine Club - the night I realized I suck at clubs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8MjQXEYz9M

Keep it classy. 

XOXO,

Jaime Mac

I’m not that badass, Gmail.

Dear Gmail,

Gmail "gets" me.

I’m wondering why based on the content of my emails you feel that my biggest concerns today will be KNIFE THROWING?  You clearly read my emails and decided terrorizing friends at my bachlorette party could be made better with a high-quality throwing knife.  

It makes me wonder if my weekends always look this horrifying from the outside? 

I can't think about that now though - I gotta to go look up some quality throwing knives to get through airport security for our Aruba trip in two weeks!  None of that cheap shit for me, thanks. 

I'll let you know how it goes!

(no, I won't)

(I might, if it's good)

(If you know me at all, a Bail Bonds ad would come in handy next)

Dear God - I'm sorry?

Ever had a priest flirt with you?  I did last night and trust me, it’s definitely as double hawk [awkward] as it sounds.  My question is, does smiling back help me get into heaven or throw me on a fast train to hell? 

I mean a priest should have some pull with the big dude upstairs right?  But then another voice in my head just shouts, “He’s a PRIESSSST”.  Then another voice in my head would tell THAT voice, “But he started it”.  This debate continued the entire meeting with the priest, so I pretty much missed anything he said. 

I miss the simpler days of religion - when all it had to do with was money. 

XOXO,

Jaime Mac

I declare a change is needed!!!!!

…to work emails.  Well, more specifically – their subject lines.  How many emails are we bombarded with every hour?  Between personal and work, I am continually checking 3 different email accounts a day.  

I asked myself if emails arrived at all 3 at the same time, which would I check first? Guess work email…YOU LOST.  Loser.

Yeah ANYTHING that arrives in my Yahoo! (yeah it’s embarrassing to admit I still have a yahoo email) and my Gmail (totally redeems me for the first one) is automatically a 1000% better.  You might think, well that’s because your friends email to those.  You’d be wrong. Loser. I jest.  

In actuality most of my friends email me on my work email. So why then?  It’s the subject lines.  They are sooo much catchier on my personal email.  They are witty, personalized sales pitches dedicated to grabbing my attention.  And guess what? I love it.  OR else I would have unsubscribed already.

My point is, try as I might, I can’t unsubscribe from your boring, rambling work email.  So can we least try to improve them?  Make the subject line hilarious, random, terrifying, and/or inappropriate.  I don’t care, just make me want to open it!  

I’ve come up with some that I plan to begin using today:

A maelstrom is a very powerful whirlpool.

I have 7 eyes.  Do you know where the other 3 are located?

Robot masters the robot dance.  Check it out!!

Check out my latest blog post (you a-holes BETTER open that one.)

-Jaime Mac

PS: It’s social media day.  In honor of it, I graced you with a new posting.  Lucky.

Don't Argue With a Weird Person. You'll Never Win.

Nick just asked me why Tank is always running around the house with my underwear.  I told him it's all summed up in my blog post An Open Letter to Tank.  To which he responded, “I’m not reading that voodoo shit”.  Voodoo shit? Did I hear that correctly?  I here I thought I was the weird, dramatic one.  But even I don’t call anything pertaining to the web and social media voodoo.  He also refuses to get on Facebook or check out my twitter page.

So naturally I yelled, “You never listen to me when I talk….viamysocialmediachannels.”

This was followed by a I’m-concerned-for-your-mental-health kind of look and confirmation that I am still the weird one in this relationship.  

 Jaime-47; Nick-0.

Discrimination on a young adult.

Last week I ran into Barnes and Noble to buy a few books I needed.  It was definitely not my proudest moment when I got up to the register and a *sweet* old man smiled and asked “what lucky kid are these for?”

As I glanced down at the 3 Harry Potters and just released Twilight novella I had in my hands, I couldn't help but want to stab this man.  

Why did I want to stab this man I just met? Because his job is to know books.  

And anyone who knows anything about books knows these are classified under the “young adult” genre.  The thought that this MAN could so easily apply a stereotype of the books reader age group is an injustice to shoppers of B&N. 

A stabbing would allow ME – the common consumer – to take a stand on discrimination. It would be my little way of making the world a better place.   

It would also make me feel better for being called out on my cheesy purchases in front of a long ass line. :)

UPDATE: I actually went on B&N’s website.  Twilight is listed as teen reading and Harry Potter under the Childrens section.  I can only assume this is a conspiracy against me for taking a stand against the man.

 

Why I Will Never Be a Stepford Wife.

I originally named this post "An Apology to My Future Husband".  But after reading back, I realize Nick is the root of most of these stories.  

This morning I woke up to Nick complaining that the socks I went out and LOVINGLY purchased for him were too big.  After a brief pause, he then had the nerve to say “Oh well, I’m sure you’ll shrink them when you do laundry”.

I tried to throw a remote at him except I was slightly delayed due to my sleepy state – he wasn’t even in the room when it happened.  And also except that it wasn’t a remote, but a water glass that shattered. Awesome.

I dragged myself out of bed to go get a broom.  When I got to the kitchen I started thinking about all the ways I fail at domestic life.

-          I can’t boil an egg.  Boiled 18 eggs and when I went to peel the shells off about 67% of the egg whites came with it. AND I FOLLOWED A RECIPE.

-          I shrink laundry at least once a week. Although apparently this is good for my sock purchases.

-          I can’t figure out where you buy vacuum bags.  Seriously.  I feel like shop-rite is conspiring against me. I have been looking for vacuum bags for at least 3 ½ weeks and it just dawned on me now [as I type this] to maybe try the manufacturer website.

-          I keep using the vacuum. My house smells like burning dog hair every time I run the vacuum. 

-          I bought Nick awkwardly shaped boxer briefs.  I’m just going not explain this one. Thanks.

-          Nick cut his foot on the glass I left on our bedroom floor while I wrote this list. 

I can't write anymore because I can't think over Nick's shouting.  
Until next time people! -Jaime Mac