The Crazy 13: A Pre-Aruba Tale

I leave for my bachlorette party in a few days.  You know, just *12* of my craziest closest friends taking me to Aruba for a long weekend to celebrate my pending nuptials. 

Side bar: I totally make a vow to jot down the funny things that are sure to occur while we are away and blog about them on my return 

Allow me to give you insight into the motley crue group I’m traveling with so that you can fully understand why I’m excited and terrified at the same time – excitified?

Angela – FILMS everything we do and then puts it on youtube. Probably *the* most dangerous one in the group.  She has single handedly removed any chance of any of us ever running for president some day with her incriminating footage. 

Bird – My partner in crime in the trouble causing department. I’m fairly certain you’ll be bailing us out of an Aruban (<-is that a word?) prison before the weekend is over

Larry – Oh yeah, Larry will be there too.  Probably for punching a cop in the face. Or sexually harassing hitting on him.

Natalie Ray – The fast and furious drunk of the group.  She will be drinking before most of us are awake!

Kristle – I actually think Kristle will be the only reason we make it ANYWHERE on time.  She’s clutch to have in such a big group.

Erwin – Will make sure the party does not end. I guarantee she will be the first to yell “Just one more drink before we leave!”

Diane – Our resident beer sports enthusiast and happy go lucky drunk

Harv – My work wife and also one of the funniest people in attendance.  She’s insane awesome simply for the reason that she goes along with all of my crazy schemes

Rach – The “quiet crazy” type.  I once watched her break out in fluent Spanish in a graveyard, just CUZ.  Seriously people.

Aimee – If my cat was a person, he would be Aimee. Prone to random acts of violence or break out dance parties. 

Nikki –The sweet heart of the group.  She usually isn’t responsible for starting the trouble, but she’s always down for being part of it

Rosie  – Always well meaning, but just a little *too* happy about weird ass shit.

And then of course there’s me.  If you’ve read this blog AT ALL you would know I’m the icing on this cake full of crazy.

All in all, I’m pretty effin lucky to have so many women in my life who would hop a plane to Aruba for me.  I’m a HUGE advocate for women needing women in their lives.  

Every one of these chicks has touched my life in an amazing way and helped shape who I am today.  So much of my confidence, happiness, and sense of humor are based on the times we’ve shared and the knowledge that they’ll always be in my corner when I need them.  

PS - As I was pushing my last post live Rachel and Harv sent me this email:

Subject line:  Rachel & I are working really hard...

Also, we’re really easily amused by the emoticon’s in MS Communicator.

 

NOW do you get it? 

XOXO - 

Jaime Mac

Caught (Unfortunately) on Tape

These are not recent occurrences in my life, but they do give a little insight into who I am.  And isn't that the point of a personal blog?  If I could give you one piece of "life advice" it would be: Don't get caught on tape. 

Youtube is like crabs. It's uncomfortable, ain't going anywhere, and anyone who knows about it WILL want to see it and laugh at you.

Whitest sock puppet rap in town.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IByTwemTiCE

First Wine Club Meeting - the night my vision for a club came true

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUF126wr0JA

Jersey Shore Themed Wine Club - the night I realized I suck at clubs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8MjQXEYz9M

Keep it classy. 

XOXO,

Jaime Mac

My Ten Things

How many times did you want to say something to someone, but didn’t?  Were you scared to hurt the person? Push them away? Pull them in too close?  Maybe it was just that you couldn’t find the right way to put it?  Today I’m listing ten things I wish I could say to ten people because it’s high time I start opening my mouth….that’s what she said.

**********************************************
1. You are my very best friend.  I want nothing more in life for you then to be happy and independent.  You have the strength for both.

2. You were the first of a small group of my friends I consider a “forever friend”.  I’m sorry for pushing you away in college and thankful everyday that you learned to see a little of my side and forgive me for my flaws.  One of my favorite things about us is that we don’t need to talk often to know the other is still there if ever we need it.  I know I’m lucky to have you and your support in everything I do.

3. I’ve told you more than I’ve told anyone else in this world, yet I still don’t feel like I’ve said enough.  

4.  I’m worried about you.  I want to look you in the eye and tell you to slow down and think about your choices.  I haven’t said it yet because I can’t find the words that will make you listen, but I know I will soon. 

5. I forgave you when I was 11- before I even understood your choice- because I loved you. Your actions forever changed me.  They made me too protective of those I love. 

6. I hope someday to have exactly what you have.  You show me everyday that love is real and solid and give me hope for my future.  

7. You drive me up a wall, but only because I let you.  

8. I’m terrified every day that I’ll lose you the same way I lost another.

9. I resent the fact that you are a better person than me.  I struggle to understand why you love me some days, but I’m thankful you do - because you make me a better person too.

10. Thank you for loving me as your own when you didn’t have to, when I wouldn’t let you.

XOXO-

Jaime Mac

I declare a change is needed!!!!!

…to work emails.  Well, more specifically – their subject lines.  How many emails are we bombarded with every hour?  Between personal and work, I am continually checking 3 different email accounts a day.  

I asked myself if emails arrived at all 3 at the same time, which would I check first? Guess work email…YOU LOST.  Loser.

Yeah ANYTHING that arrives in my Yahoo! (yeah it’s embarrassing to admit I still have a yahoo email) and my Gmail (totally redeems me for the first one) is automatically a 1000% better.  You might think, well that’s because your friends email to those.  You’d be wrong. Loser. I jest.  

In actuality most of my friends email me on my work email. So why then?  It’s the subject lines.  They are sooo much catchier on my personal email.  They are witty, personalized sales pitches dedicated to grabbing my attention.  And guess what? I love it.  OR else I would have unsubscribed already.

My point is, try as I might, I can’t unsubscribe from your boring, rambling work email.  So can we least try to improve them?  Make the subject line hilarious, random, terrifying, and/or inappropriate.  I don’t care, just make me want to open it!  

I’ve come up with some that I plan to begin using today:

A maelstrom is a very powerful whirlpool.

I have 7 eyes.  Do you know where the other 3 are located?

Robot masters the robot dance.  Check it out!!

Check out my latest blog post (you a-holes BETTER open that one.)

-Jaime Mac

PS: It’s social media day.  In honor of it, I graced you with a new posting.  Lucky.

How to start a wine club

I debated titling this "How to make alcolholism socially acceptable".  

My wine club came from my failed attempt to join a book club.  I never went to a single meeting, because I never read the book.  After 3 missed meetings, they stopped including me.

Still, I was sad when I was shunned out of book club because I had been excited to meet new people, socialize, and laugh.  I LOVE to read just about anything until you tell me I have to read it. Then suddenly it's worse than a trip to the dentist.

But tell me I HAVE TO drink wine with my best friends and suddenly I'm not so quick to push back.  Viola! WINE CLUB was born.

The rules are simple:
1. Don't talk about what happens at wine club
2. Create a face book page - if you're nerdy enough to start a wine club, you're nerdy enough to follow this rule
3. The host picks the topic and supplies "sobering" apps - topic's can range from type or region to funniest label
4. The guests bring the wine or get the fuck out. That second part is more of an "unsaid" rule
5. Everyone takes turns talking about their wine while those around them get sloshed on it - this also usually means we end up shouting over the speaker to talk to each other about the wine. It's cool. Embrace the chaos.
6. The person closest to sober takes notes and posts to the facebook page - our notes have gone a bit...downhill.  Check out our facebook page to see.

If I could change one thing about my HBIC Wine Club it would simply to be that the president/founder should get a crown and scepter.  Hindsight truly is 20/20.

Is it tacky to go buy your own though? As *the* HBIC can I just create a 7th rule forcing the girls to band together and buy me queenly gifts?  Probably. But it seems a little late to enforce such a rule.


So, I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH - get your tiara early and think out your rules ahead of time.  No one likes an unorganized HBIC. 

Good luck with your club and be sure to make me an honorary member!

Jaime Mac

PS - I'm not going to explain the picture up top.  If you expected me, then you are not yet ready to start a wine club.  Rules are invented for reasons. Mostly saving face kind of reasons, but reasons nonetheless. 

Shoe Bulimia Kills Kittens

Anyone who knows me knows I have a love affair with shoes. You need only look as far as my closet to get the idea. TRUST ME when I say this is only a sliver of what I've packed into this closet.

This is why shoe bulimia is so unsettling to me. That’s right, shoe-bulimia.

It’s your standard splurge and purge reaction. I have a friend with this disease. To be clear, I don’t mean “Friend” in the way where everyone thinks I'm talking about myself accept ME because I'm in such crazy denial. No. I'm talking about a *real* friend, but for anonymity purposes we'll simply call her Shaimee Craybrook.

Shaimee will wander around a store buying up gorgeous shoes left and right. Within 10 minutes of her purchase she'll be weighed down by a guilt so heavy, its the equivalent of having eaten 3 ice cream sundaes. This is where she begins talking about why she must return them.

Common lines heard from a shoe bulimic are "I don't have anything to wear them with" or "I already have 2 other pairs like it" and even "they looked better in the store".

To Shaimee [and all shoe bulimics out there], purging these shoes will help her sleep better at night and not have to explain to her hubby why the house bills had to go unpaid. All excuses! And along the way her stories and rationale begin to make her the victim of a rushed purchase.

But shoes are the TRUE victims to this disease. They are the cute, but homeless kitten of the shopping world. Do you adopt pets and return them??? No. Because that's about on par with being a kitten murderer.

No one likes kitten murderers. This is why I had my closet designed to house 75 pairs of shoes. And guess what else, it's FULL. I buy up all the sexy shoes I see with no remorse or second thought.

Why?
Because I'm generous to a fault.

It's a heavy burden to carry, but *someone* needs to think of others before themselves.

The moral of my story is to stop murdering kittens.

Showers – You’re doing it wrong.

Showers of any kind are awkward and boring. Well, except for the kind where you clean yourself. If *those* are awkward and boring for you, then you’re doing it wrong. Just sayin’.

No, this post has to do with baby showers and wedding showers. Don’t run boys! This post will give you some serious insight into girl-world. (I’m probably lying)

I guess back in the day there may have been more of a point to these *stick-a-lavender-scented-candle-in-my-eye-to-get-out-of-sitting-through-another-four-hours-of-present-opening* events. But let’s face it, people get married later and have two-income households. No one needs 187 gifts in one day.

I dread my own wedding shower. Not because I don’t want party with friends and family, but because I know how much I dread these things. When did I become the inflicter of this pain - on my loved ones no less?

But what about those who are always the guest, and never the inflicter of pain? Don’t THEY have a right to impose this pain on their loved ones?

SO NOW IT'S YOUR TURN. Go register for all that crap you have always wanted and throw yourself an un-shower. A shower for just being you. A shower for being a strong, single, wonderful woman.

Why not? I promise to attend and celebrate where YOU are in YOUR life.

And hell, I’ll even bring a gift. I’ve been wondering what to do with this creepy porcelain basket that could serve no other purpose than to hold stale, *chewy* hard candy. ;)


PS: This is dedicated to my bestie bird for being an inspiration to me in more ways than I could ever list.