THIS JUST IN: Living in NJ may cause heart attacks.

I’m not a doctor or anything, I’m just really, really smart.  I kid- I’m not smart either. Did you read my attempt to connect returning shoes to MURDERING KITTENS?  ‘Nuf said.

Although I’m talking about NJ, I prefer to make sweeping, inappropriate and dramatic generalizations about topics.  So it seems fitting to define “NJ” as “the-entire-mother-effin-north-east”. 

NJ people talk fast, drive aggressively, and are some of the most high-strung people I know.  NJ is like a heart attack waiting to happen.  Am I biased because they are also 99% of the people I know? Nahhhhhh.

These hyper-strained tendencies of NJ folks are most glaring when you travel to “friendly” States - a.k.a. anywhere but the-entire-mother-effin-north-east.  For instance, when I went to Denver everyone sounded like Ned Flanders to me.  Every time I met a new person all I heard in my head was, “Hi-diddily-ho, Jaimereenos”. Uh, did some hippy just call me a ho???

Makes me wonder what I sounded like to them? Stabby and aggressive most likely – which is actually pretty awesome.  Although that disproves where I’m going with this post, so disregard how bad ass I am for a second.

My question is why are we in such a rush? I think it has something to do with how hectic we make our lives.  I captain killer flag football teams, start wine clubs, squeeze in martial arts workouts, on top of building a house and planning a wedding.  I’m also constantly trying to make time with friends, get errands done, and work a full time job. 

Most importantly, I try to keep my puppy alive and be a non-absentee fiancé.  Did I just make up a word? Its okay, I totally fail at that last one some days anyhow. Which stresses me out!

No wonder I drink 57 cups of coffee a day. No wonder I always feel like I’m late to my next stop.  No wonder why I’m so freaking anxious all the time. This can’t be healthy – even if the anxiety burns enough calories to put about 4 fat camps out of business.

When I read back through the list of things I do, I can’t help but notice “down time” is not on there.  Maybe the right idea is to kick a couple items off my to-do list and schedule some me time.  Clear my head and re-learn the art of doing nothing.

Maybe with all of this extra time I can take a defensive driving course or learn how to relax with a hobby like bonsai gardening…



  1. Come on back to Denver and get stabbety stab stabbed for callin me a hippie there Jaimeroonie!!! Cannnnnt wait!

  2. Beyond the dickhead driver's and routine heart stopping commuting nightmares, adding to the heart attack risk would be the endless barrage of awesome northeast food (if you had a slice of pizza in Denver you know exactly what i am talking about).

    But let's not forget that NJ is the greasy diner capitol of the world which is awesome but you get some real stand outs like this one: http://www.clintonstationdiner.com/ "Home of the 50 lbs Burger"

    I mean c'mon... and when i say that i mean c'mon with me to that diner and let's put the owners to shame.

    On top of knowing you for years, i read your blog about food and i know what kind of secret fat kid lurks just below your svelte girl surface. Let's put a hurting on them and put a hurting on ourselves in the process ;^)


  3. Oh and sorry but Post Script: Don't get into bonzais, you've met my dad. It's just a downward spiral from there to bigfoot obsessions, koi fish collecting, wearing nothing but underwear even at the supermarket and an interest in cock fighting. I don't want that for you, Jaime. I don't think anyone one would...